“I’ve gotten to where I wanted to be,” said my friend, “why is this other stuff happening?”
“Life is a process, not an outcome,” I replied, “it’s not a destination.”
“What do you mean there is no destination? What the heck have I been working so hard for if there is no end in sight?” She rocked back in her chair and glared at me.
“These aren’t my rules, it’s the way life is. There is no destination. You accomplish one thing and then another thing comes along. It doesn’t have to be chaotic or earth shattering. It’s a process which means that there are no hard stops, only plateaus that allow you to integrate and rest,” I replied.
“This isn’t fair!”
“Life is a process, not an outcome,” I replied, “it’s not a destination.”
“What do you mean there is no destination? What the heck have I been working so hard for if there is no end in sight?” She rocked back in her chair and glared at me.
“These aren’t my rules, it’s the way life is. There is no destination. You accomplish one thing and then another thing comes along. It doesn’t have to be chaotic or earth shattering. It’s a process which means that there are no hard stops, only plateaus that allow you to integrate and rest,” I replied.
“This isn’t fair!”
Now I was puzzled and I told her so. “What is it that has you so upset,” I asked, “you have accomplished so much in the last two years. You bought the house, settled into the job, found a guy you like. What’s not good with this?”
She had spent the past two years rebuilding her life; recovered from the breakup of a negative relationship, sold one house and purchased another, found a secure and rewarding job, and was dating a very nice guy. She even had money in the bank.
“I should be able to relax now,” she said. “I’m tired.”
“So relax,” I said, “take some time to enjoy what you’ve accomplished.
“But that’s the problem,” she exclaimed, “I can’t just sit back an coast. Now I have another job offer and now I have to decide about that. Will I never reach my goal?”
As we talked I discovered that this friend believed that you figured out how you wanted your life to be, then you set about making the necessary things happen to create the life. To her, you set a project, you set goals, then when you met those goals, you could sit back an enjoy. The work would be over. Once you hit what she called that “sweet spot” you should be able to coast on that wave of “sweet.
It doesn’t work that way, though, because this thing we call life is, in the larger sense, a process, not a destination. It’s a bit like higher education. You go to college aiming for a Bachelor’s degree in your chosen field. You toil and work, fully immersed, the one day it all suddenly and irrevocably ends. You are tired and ready for a break but you don’t get a break, you get to look for a job.
That job should put you in the ‘sweet spot’ but, gee, as it turns out, the job requires that you work fifty hours per week and there is not time to enjoy the fruits of your labors. So you head back to school for the Master’s degree because that will make you more marketable, etc. Or maybe you are rearing three children who are just two years apart. The ‘sweet spot’ for many parents is when the children become a bit more self-sufficient, say by the age of six when a child can get his own cereal in the morning, but then come other challenges.
In each case you are working inside a larger process and these small segments are milestones within that process. Getting a child out of diapers is a goal but it certainly is not the end of the journey. Attaining a college degree or a graduate degree is a wonderful milestone but that degree is not a destination either; they call it commencement for a reason.
Upon further questioning, I discovered that not only did my friend expect to be able to stop and rest and maybe even coast for a few years, she was deeply afraid that as the next challenge or project came along, she would lose what she had already gained. She would lose her sweet spot.
It was as if she thought there was only one of these sweet spots per person and if you achieved it you’d better hang onto it for all you were worth because you could never recapture that feeling of safety and satisfaction. She was fearful of backsliding. I shocked her when I said that there is no such thing as backsliding.
How can that be? We all backslide from time to time, don’t we? Yes and no. If you mean do we lose our focus and sometimes don’t behave quite properly or dip back into a old habit for a short time or maybe for a long time, yes. But if you mean that any new, good, up lifting thing will be taken away if you lose focus, No. Because you never lose what you learned. The sum of your experiences and life lessons are yours forever. If you choose to take a different path, that is a choice, not an outcome.
Outcome implies permanency; a lifetime is only about fluidity and change and lessons and milestones along the way. It is also about being open to, and aware of, the potential for a sweet spot at any turn in the road. There are millions of sweet spots, some big, some small and delicious, some barely but clearly discernible and each one is what we need most, a smile from God.
She had spent the past two years rebuilding her life; recovered from the breakup of a negative relationship, sold one house and purchased another, found a secure and rewarding job, and was dating a very nice guy. She even had money in the bank.
“I should be able to relax now,” she said. “I’m tired.”
“So relax,” I said, “take some time to enjoy what you’ve accomplished.
“But that’s the problem,” she exclaimed, “I can’t just sit back an coast. Now I have another job offer and now I have to decide about that. Will I never reach my goal?”
As we talked I discovered that this friend believed that you figured out how you wanted your life to be, then you set about making the necessary things happen to create the life. To her, you set a project, you set goals, then when you met those goals, you could sit back an enjoy. The work would be over. Once you hit what she called that “sweet spot” you should be able to coast on that wave of “sweet.
It doesn’t work that way, though, because this thing we call life is, in the larger sense, a process, not a destination. It’s a bit like higher education. You go to college aiming for a Bachelor’s degree in your chosen field. You toil and work, fully immersed, the one day it all suddenly and irrevocably ends. You are tired and ready for a break but you don’t get a break, you get to look for a job.
That job should put you in the ‘sweet spot’ but, gee, as it turns out, the job requires that you work fifty hours per week and there is not time to enjoy the fruits of your labors. So you head back to school for the Master’s degree because that will make you more marketable, etc. Or maybe you are rearing three children who are just two years apart. The ‘sweet spot’ for many parents is when the children become a bit more self-sufficient, say by the age of six when a child can get his own cereal in the morning, but then come other challenges.
In each case you are working inside a larger process and these small segments are milestones within that process. Getting a child out of diapers is a goal but it certainly is not the end of the journey. Attaining a college degree or a graduate degree is a wonderful milestone but that degree is not a destination either; they call it commencement for a reason.
Upon further questioning, I discovered that not only did my friend expect to be able to stop and rest and maybe even coast for a few years, she was deeply afraid that as the next challenge or project came along, she would lose what she had already gained. She would lose her sweet spot.
It was as if she thought there was only one of these sweet spots per person and if you achieved it you’d better hang onto it for all you were worth because you could never recapture that feeling of safety and satisfaction. She was fearful of backsliding. I shocked her when I said that there is no such thing as backsliding.
How can that be? We all backslide from time to time, don’t we? Yes and no. If you mean do we lose our focus and sometimes don’t behave quite properly or dip back into a old habit for a short time or maybe for a long time, yes. But if you mean that any new, good, up lifting thing will be taken away if you lose focus, No. Because you never lose what you learned. The sum of your experiences and life lessons are yours forever. If you choose to take a different path, that is a choice, not an outcome.
Outcome implies permanency; a lifetime is only about fluidity and change and lessons and milestones along the way. It is also about being open to, and aware of, the potential for a sweet spot at any turn in the road. There are millions of sweet spots, some big, some small and delicious, some barely but clearly discernible and each one is what we need most, a smile from God.