Forgiveness is so very simple. What’s not simple is the getting there. I just did an search on Amazon.com for books with the word forgiveness in the title. There were over five thousand hits. I take this as proof of two things.
The first is that most of us have a strong misconception of what forgiveness really means. The second is that there are a whole lot of people making money by writing books based on this misconception. I can’t do anything about the second situation but I can try to explain a different idea about forgiveness and let you take it from there.
It seems that many people think that forgiveness equals approval. In other words, there is this idea that forgiving someone means that you are saying that person’s actions were OK, that they did nothing wrong.
The first is that most of us have a strong misconception of what forgiveness really means. The second is that there are a whole lot of people making money by writing books based on this misconception. I can’t do anything about the second situation but I can try to explain a different idea about forgiveness and let you take it from there.
It seems that many people think that forgiveness equals approval. In other words, there is this idea that forgiving someone means that you are saying that person’s actions were OK, that they did nothing wrong.
So even if you grow out of the pain and disappointment of a situation, you still might not be willing to forgive the person because you won’t condone what he did. It would feel like you were giving that person permission.
But here’s the thing. Forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the person who has wronged you. Forgiveness is purely an internal function that you do for yourself. It is a way of letting go so that you can move forward.
This may sound strange so I offer an example from about twenty years ago:
There was a man I dated off and on for a few years. We stopped seeing each other because his life was a mess and he now lived a couple of hours away from me. Our parting wasn’t very definite so one day I called him and said I’d really like some closure. I fully expected him to tell me he was seeing someone and it wouldn’t b appropriate for us to see each other, but he agreed that we needed to put things to rest.
The minute we saw each other the flames flared and we saw each other heavily for a couple of weeks, right up until the night I called him and his girlfriend answered. Let’s just say that later we had a rather spirited conversation. The truth was that I was happy to just be friends but certainly didn’t appreciate his lying to me. We made peace and agreed that when he was in town we would meet for coffee and visit.
He offered to do a small favor for me the next time he was in town so I called him to find if he knew when he would be in town next. He just said his family was coming in for the weekend and so he’d have to get back to me.
I hung up the phone and looked at my cat. “He’s getting married tomorrow,” I told her. About three weeks later I ran into a mutual friend. I told him that I thought that our friend had gotten married. “Oh, he did,” said my friend, “ I saw his ex-father-in-law the other day.”
I can’t say I was crushed about his getting married. But he couldn’t even tell me he was getting married? I mean, really. Then the whole of the relationship descended on me and I cried and felt sorry for myself. The good news was that I was no longer in love with the guy, the bad is that I felt hurt and was having trouble letting go. I thought of tacky things to do like sending the new bride a sympathy card, but I knew that this was my problem, not hers.
Finally, after a few days of wallowing I had a great realization. He had no idea that I was sitting there sending him mental poison darts. Nor would he have cared. In other words, all the things I was thinking and feeling would never change the situation; neither would my mental and emotional assault have any effect on him what soever. He sure as heck wasn’t going to call me up and apologize and beg my forgiveness.
This is the thing we all want; we want the person to fall on their sword, beg forgiveness, cut off a finger or arm and offer it on silver platter. But that isn’t going to happen. Even if it did, that external act would do little to ease the internal stress and sorrow we are carrying.
I was driving across the Sacramento River when I finally understood that it was ok for me to let go because - he had to live with himself. This man was not without conscience and he has to live with himself for the rest of his life. It was a true blessing that I didn’t have to live with because it never would have worked anyway.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the hurt goes away immediately, it doesn’t mean that what the person did is OK. It doesn’t mean that you are a doormat because you are allowed to set up boundaries and perhaps never see the person again if that’s appropriate.
It does mean that you are free from the chains of hate and resentment that only hurt you. If frees you to move on in your life to grow and find joy. This man has to live with himself, in other words, if he needs forgiveness, he will have to forgive himself, it’s not my job. He doesn’t need my permission, he only needs to come to terms with himself.
And I needed to come to terms with my Self. We con’t control other people, we can’t undo the past. But when we understand that what we carry inside our minds and hearts is all there really is, that is when we move from anger and resentment to compassion for ourselves which then translates to compassion for others.
Not saying it is easy, if it were, everyone would do it. Still, it’s worth a try.
But here’s the thing. Forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the person who has wronged you. Forgiveness is purely an internal function that you do for yourself. It is a way of letting go so that you can move forward.
This may sound strange so I offer an example from about twenty years ago:
There was a man I dated off and on for a few years. We stopped seeing each other because his life was a mess and he now lived a couple of hours away from me. Our parting wasn’t very definite so one day I called him and said I’d really like some closure. I fully expected him to tell me he was seeing someone and it wouldn’t b appropriate for us to see each other, but he agreed that we needed to put things to rest.
The minute we saw each other the flames flared and we saw each other heavily for a couple of weeks, right up until the night I called him and his girlfriend answered. Let’s just say that later we had a rather spirited conversation. The truth was that I was happy to just be friends but certainly didn’t appreciate his lying to me. We made peace and agreed that when he was in town we would meet for coffee and visit.
He offered to do a small favor for me the next time he was in town so I called him to find if he knew when he would be in town next. He just said his family was coming in for the weekend and so he’d have to get back to me.
I hung up the phone and looked at my cat. “He’s getting married tomorrow,” I told her. About three weeks later I ran into a mutual friend. I told him that I thought that our friend had gotten married. “Oh, he did,” said my friend, “ I saw his ex-father-in-law the other day.”
I can’t say I was crushed about his getting married. But he couldn’t even tell me he was getting married? I mean, really. Then the whole of the relationship descended on me and I cried and felt sorry for myself. The good news was that I was no longer in love with the guy, the bad is that I felt hurt and was having trouble letting go. I thought of tacky things to do like sending the new bride a sympathy card, but I knew that this was my problem, not hers.
Finally, after a few days of wallowing I had a great realization. He had no idea that I was sitting there sending him mental poison darts. Nor would he have cared. In other words, all the things I was thinking and feeling would never change the situation; neither would my mental and emotional assault have any effect on him what soever. He sure as heck wasn’t going to call me up and apologize and beg my forgiveness.
This is the thing we all want; we want the person to fall on their sword, beg forgiveness, cut off a finger or arm and offer it on silver platter. But that isn’t going to happen. Even if it did, that external act would do little to ease the internal stress and sorrow we are carrying.
I was driving across the Sacramento River when I finally understood that it was ok for me to let go because - he had to live with himself. This man was not without conscience and he has to live with himself for the rest of his life. It was a true blessing that I didn’t have to live with because it never would have worked anyway.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the hurt goes away immediately, it doesn’t mean that what the person did is OK. It doesn’t mean that you are a doormat because you are allowed to set up boundaries and perhaps never see the person again if that’s appropriate.
It does mean that you are free from the chains of hate and resentment that only hurt you. If frees you to move on in your life to grow and find joy. This man has to live with himself, in other words, if he needs forgiveness, he will have to forgive himself, it’s not my job. He doesn’t need my permission, he only needs to come to terms with himself.
And I needed to come to terms with my Self. We con’t control other people, we can’t undo the past. But when we understand that what we carry inside our minds and hearts is all there really is, that is when we move from anger and resentment to compassion for ourselves which then translates to compassion for others.
Not saying it is easy, if it were, everyone would do it. Still, it’s worth a try.